GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-08-19 21:44:57(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-20 19:29:02(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A Man Whispers to a Woman at the Bar. "I'd love to fill your Fanny with Stella Lager and then drink it all down slowly'' The shocked Woman runs over to her Husband and tells him. ''Aren't you goin to kick the fucking shit out of him''..??? She asks. "No Way". he says. ''I'm not fighting any fucker, that can drink that much S  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-20 19:29:13(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My mate got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-20 19:29:43(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife used to work as a magicians assistant and she picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early and she was in the bedroom, she said, "Abracadabra!" and my best mate came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. The poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-20 19:30:45(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?" He said, "That's Madeira cake" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-20 19:33:35(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-20 19:33:54(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-20 19:34:45(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-22 23:15:45(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. So I bought her some bathroom scales. [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-22 23:15:59(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife said to me, "Let's go out tonight, get pissed then have a good shag." I replied, "Sounds like a great idea. If you get home before me can you leave a key under the wheelie bin?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-22 23:20:21(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Pete. Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..' ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '🤣🤣🤣 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-22 23:20:37(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-22 23:24:00(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My Mum opened the door and caught me masturbating. I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!" Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-22 23:24:19(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My gert was in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches. "How many peaches was in the tin"... the judge asks. "4 your lordship" she replies. "In that case" says the judge, "I hereby sentence you to 4 weeks in prison".. At this point I stood up and shouted, "Your lordship, she also stole a tin of peas"... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 20:58:41(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 20:58:56(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:00:00(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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|  Last edited by GodAndUlster on 2022-08-24 21:01:38 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:02:37(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:03:26(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:04:06(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:06:09(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A farmer had a bull that wasn`t performing very well so he called the vet. The vet shoved a large tablet down the bull`s throat and about an hour later the bull was humping all the cows in the field.. The farmer was amazed .. he said I have a date tonight and do you think it would work for me? The vet said well these pills are very strong but if I chip a small bit off this pill and you take it about an hour before your date that should be alright.... The next morning the vet saw the farmer with his arm in a sling... what happened he asked .. The farme [justify][/justify]r replied …. She didn`t turn up. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:08:01(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, my brother died last night." "How many brothers do you have?" he asked. "6." I replied. "Gotcha!" he said, "You've used this excuse 7 times now, how is this possible???" I said, "I used to have 13 brothers!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:09:00(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He was just checking his balance. [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-24 21:09:39(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Man walks into a bar with a pork pie sellotaped to his head Barman: "Excuse me, why have you got a pork pie sellotaped to your head?" Man: "I do this every Tuesday!" Barman: "But it's Thursday today!" Man: "Oh I must look a right twat!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-29 21:02:08(107Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| “Swearing at Work." Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, "TRY SAYING" phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a fucking clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a fucking power-crazy bitch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: Fuck off arse-wipe 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my fucking problem, mate. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the fuck? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No fucking chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the fuck didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his fucking arse. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me? Instead Of: Oi, fuckface. | |
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