GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-08-09 23:43:28(110Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-09 23:44:05(110Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-11 22:23:30(110Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to the doctors yesterday, because I've started saying everything twice… He gave me a repeat prescription! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-11 22:23:51(110Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me, Give me the drugs"... She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker".... He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, "fuck off it'll be too painful".....  [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-11 22:26:46(110Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-11 22:27:29(110Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-11 22:27:44(110Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-14 19:42:25(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've worked in a carpet shop for years. Not once has a girl come in to ask for a magic carpet… However, last week I had a lad in! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-14 19:42:49(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider giving me oral sex...... I told her that I fully understand and respect her decision and that I will call her again nearer the time | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-14 19:48:29(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-14 19:48:43(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:04:31(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| he Black Bra I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: 'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.' Then I had to share my story: 'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”' | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:04:48(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I took my wife to Scotland to see if we could spot the Loch Ness Monster. We were only there for a couple of minutes when I noticed something in the water. "There it is!" I shouted. "There's something horrible looking right at us." "That's my reflection," said my wif | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:06:56(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'......😃 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:07:13(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went back to see my doctor yesterday. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I said, "On the bus!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:08:54(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when..... you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. "Anyway," she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to piss off.🙂 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:09:10(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| BREAKING NEWS: On the M1 Northbound a lorry has shed it's load of Vicks nasal spray. Police expect congestion to ease within a few hours. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:10:07(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Went fishing in my in laws pond yesterday and caught a newt, said to gert " I'm gonna call it 'TINY' "Why tiny? I said" because it's MY NEWT" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:10:56(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I come from a family of entertainers, my father was a failed magician... I've also got two half-sisters! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:12:40(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... Lovely woman terrible surgeon... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:15:09(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?" I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian." So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour." I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian." So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff." I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?" Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!" And he said, "Who der? | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:17:44(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-16 12:17:56(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-17 21:24:48(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?” “Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. “Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?” He said “No!” trying to hide his arousal. She said….. “Check the garage.” ! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-17 21:25:15(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir? "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!" | |
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