GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-05-28 00:31:39(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What has two wings and an arrow? A Chinese telephone! “Wing Wing” “Arrow”  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-28 00:31:52(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My heavily pregnant wife and I were stopped by the police today for a stop and search. The Officer said, "Before I search you, are either of you carrying anything you shouldn't be?" "I am," said my wife. I said, "Really? What?" "Somebody else's baby," she replied. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-28 00:33:10(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The wife and I were out for our anniversary dinner earlier tonight. After our meal, the waiter came up to me and asked me, "Sir how did you find the pork belly?" I replied, "We met 25 years ago in some pub!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-28 00:33:25(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-28 00:35:05(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-28 00:35:15(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-28 00:35:41(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:31:33(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:31:56(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My missus asked me earlier for £10,000 for a gastric band..... I said, "Here's a fiver, get a padlock for the fridge".....!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:36:50(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man and his wife are getting ready for a party... Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?" Man: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?" Wife: "Yes, I promise!" Man: "I fucked your sister!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:37:55(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I said to my Gert "if you lick my balls I'll come" She said" fuck off, your coming shopping whether you like it or not"! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:38:09(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was in my local pub when the barmaid asked me "why don't I ever see you drinking with Willy anymore?" I answered "Would you drink with a man who lies to you, borrows money and doesn't return it, never buys you a drink, cheats at pool and tries it on with your wife?" "No I wouldn't" she said. "Neither will Willy”I answered. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:41:15(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was at a funeral & the vicar said, "Has anyone got any kind words for him?" It was greeted by silence. "Any friends or work mates?" Still silence. The vicar said, "Can anyone say anything nice about this man?" A voice from the back said, "Yeah his brother was a bigger cunt!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:41:31(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night, She nearly took me fucking eye out! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:42:57(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to the library today and asked for a book on tourettes The librarian said " fuck off you twat" I said" yep that's the one" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:43:19(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Gert said there was someone knocking on the door with a beard this afternoon, I said no wonder I didn't hear him!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:45:00(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Whilst cycling through the countryside, I came across a beautiful idyllic pool at the foot of an impressive waterfall, surrounded by picnic tables, and a few families and cyclists enjoying the sunshine. After resting a while, I saw a man on his knees, studying the crystal clear waters intensely. I watched for a while, he appeared in an altered state, mesmerised by the majesty of nature. Eventually I asked "Are you ok?" He looked up, startled from his spiritual reverie, looked at me and slowly said "I'm searching. Searching for my inner ch-ch-ch.." Embarrassed at his stutter I tried to assist him "You're searching for your inner chi. Trying to get at one with nature!" I gushed. "N, n, no. I'm trying to f-f-find my inner ch-ch-ch" but again his stammer defeated him, so I tried again. "You're searching for your inner child? You were cleansing your soul in the waterfall! Oh that's beautiful man!" I couldn't help myself and hugged him, full of love for a fellow man. He pushed me away roughly and shouted "N-N-No! I'm looking f-f-for my inner ch-ch-tube, I was trying to f-fix a puncture. Now F-f-fuck off" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:45:19(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep up to date. They have a new app called Pay Up Pal. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:47:21(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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|  gif upload site | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-29 11:47:37(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-30 00:31:46(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!" ( Repent and be baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."* "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Axe and Two 38's !" ... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-30 00:35:19(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Over dinner last night my date asked me, “So, do you have any guilty pleasures?” I replied, “Sure, but I’d be too embarrassed to tell you.” She said, “Don’t be shy! Tell you what, you tell me yours and then I’ll tell you mine!” I said, “Okay, here goes. Sometimes when I’m masturbating I like to stick a couple of fingers up my ass. If I’m feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. Okay, now it’s your turn to tell me!” She replied, “Erm, The Carpenters and Billy Joel... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-30 00:36:12(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Went into town the other day to buy a shirt. The blonde sales assistant asked me if I needed any help. I told her I was a medium. She asked me if could contact her dead uncle Jim.... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-30 00:39:36(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Paloma beach Tenerife couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and... drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!' The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' 'Bloody Hell Mate!' said the lifeguard, 'The potato goes in the front ... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-30 00:41:17(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| CORONAVIRUS: The boredom of self isolation..... Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame at the base, eventually it gets sucked inside......If you've done this and know how to get it out, message me please.... Urgently!!! 🥵 for a friend .... | |
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