GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-07-28 23:31:52(91Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I took my young son camping at the weekend. As we sat around the fire he said, "I need a shit." I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere & you can't get into trouble." He walked off & came back a few minutes later. "Where did you have one?"  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-28 23:33:45(91Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My son said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" I said, "Of course you can." "It's a bit awkward..." he began. I said, "No problem, fire away." "Why have you got your cock in the hoover?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-28 23:42:09(91Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. and barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!” The owner responds, . "Genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-28 23:42:26(91Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!" Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-28 23:42:54(91Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-29 21:38:06(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've started a business building yachts in my attic, Sails are going through the roof!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-29 21:38:23(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife turned to me and said, "I'm horny, want to go upstairs?" Smiling, I said, "Definitely!" She replied, "Great. Throw my dildo down while you're up there!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-29 21:43:48(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-29 21:44:01(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-29 21:45:22(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-29 21:46:12(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:45:03(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS ( BRILLIANT ) A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. F***ing hot down here! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:45:26(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:46:05(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I bought a greyhound today. My wife said, "Are you going to race him?" "No he's way faster than me!" I replied. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:46:45(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Some people see images of our lord and saviour in their toast... Some see him in the clouds. Now it seems to be in toilets... Every time I have a shit at work I always hear the person who goes into the cubicle after me say, "Jesus Christ"... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:47:32(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot. Can you believe that? I was going to fucking eat that later but now it'll just taste like carrots! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:48:09(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to the doctor's because of my Alcohol problem. "How many units do you drink in a day?" said the doctor I replied, "How much is a unit?" He said, "Half a pint." I said, "Oh great, in that case none." "None?" the doctor said puzzled I said, "Yeah, I don't drink halves." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:49:34(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I have realised I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviation "is such a long word... Why is dyslexia so hard to spell , what is the way to Amarillo ? why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and do you really think I am this witty ?? ... I actually stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend of her brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby mamma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... lol Enjoy the rest of your day!... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:49:52(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've just got back from the funeral of the man killed by a tennis ball, It was a cracking service!!! [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-07-31 20:50:21(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I took the rear view mirror out of my car and since then, I've never looked back! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-01 21:03:51(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I said to my new girlfriend, "Have you ever had sex with a parrot".... She replied, "No, But I've sucked a cockatoo".... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-01 21:04:04(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I found a purse on a table in a cafe with a £100 in in. This old lady come rushing in and said to me, "have you found a purse...? I think I left it in here, I'm so forgetful I keep losing things"... I said, "No worries love, I found it, lucky for you, you didn't have any money in it".. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-01 21:06:18(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Last night I made a romantic meal for my wife and called out "honey, dinner's ready". I then heard the moaning of sexual pleasure as she replied "mmmm, just coming baby" and she let out a giggle. So, I walked into the lounge to find her lying naked on the sofa, seductively stroking her pussy. "Why don't you make me come"? she purred. So, I punched her in the face and screamed "FUCKING DINNER, NOW | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-01 21:06:26(90Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-06 20:36:25(89Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just had a belated birthday card, when I opened ita fucking Yorkshire pudding fell out It wa from aunt Bessie | |
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