GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-10-22 20:47:07(107Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went up to a girl in the gym and said, "Do you come here often?" She said, "Haha very smooth but, no not really." I said, "Well, you fucking should, fatty!"  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-22 20:47:34(107Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 20:44:16(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. "Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her. "But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing." "Do I need to repeat myself?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:01:15(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just came home to find my house full of play doh I don't know what to make of it!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:02:34(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A dog walker was found dead in the park this morning, The police say as of yet they've got no lead | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:03:13(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My Chinese neighbours have just given birth to their baby 10 weeks prematurely. They have decided to call him Sudden Lee. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:03:26(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| 44 year-old Sue Radford, the mother of Britain's largest family, is expecting baby number 22... I'm not normally one to judge people, but I reckon her fanny would make the Derby defence look tight! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:05:08(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," replied the operator, "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest" Paddy said, "But I suppose that would explain the suitcase." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:05:21(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My gert is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and hired a costume. She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"? She came in,I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen" She replied "I'm going as a fucking nun, you bastard" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:08:06(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| At a Glasgow Pub Quiz, the final question to win £1000 pounds is: "Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?" After a lengthy silence a little man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-23 21:08:21(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife said she was thinking about Buying a Mini...?? I said, "You'll never get your fucking big, fat arse into one of those". She said, "Not a Skirt, I meant the Car, you cheeky bastard". "So did I". I replied.🙂  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-25 23:58:02(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A husband and wife are on their 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?" He says, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry!" She says, "What are you thinking now?" "Looks like I did a pretty good job!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:00:10(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?” ME: “Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.” | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:02:06(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I fell asleep at a party last night and someone put a tea bag in me mouth, I went fucking mental! No one treats me like a mug!!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:04:31(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just been told the clocks go back on Sunday, That's me fucked, I've forgotten where I bought em. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:04:48(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| When I lived on a house boat I was seeing the girl next door But we eventually drifted apart | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:05:30(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:06:14(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man sees a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener and says " you don't need a tin opener for bananas" The monkey replied " it's for the custard ya daft cunt" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:09:45(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:10:17(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 00:10:30(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 20:58:59(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically unromantic, replied, "I am in the toilet. Please advise." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 20:59:19(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just bought a low energy light bulbfrom B&Q. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I said "No its going in the lounge" [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 21:00:40(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My mate from Derby was showing me his new tattoo. "Isn't that one of those that just washes off" I asked. "I don't know," he replied... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-26 21:00:59(106Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I get so excited over women I have to glue my dick to my leg otherwise it stands up every time i see one... The other day I went on a date, put extra glue on it, knocked on her front door, she opened it wearing the shortest skirt I have ever seen, and I kicked her in the face! | |
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