GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-10-18 21:18:46(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I had sex with my best friend's wife yesterday and now I feel terrible... I think she must have given me her cold!  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:22:57(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A boy goes up to the counter with a box of washing powder. "Helping mum with the housework are we?" Asks the shopkeeper. "Nah, gonna wash my dog" replies the boy "Oh I wouldn't use that to wash your dog" says the shopkeeper "you could make it sick or even kill it" The following week the boy returns and buys some sweets "How is your dog?" Asks the shopkeeper, smiling. "Dead" replies the boy without a care Shocked, the shopkeeper says "Well I did tell you not to use that soap" "I wasn't the soap that killed him" says the boy. "Oh, what was it then?" "The spin cycle I think" replies the boy. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:23:11(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Gert: "What would you like to eat?" Me: "Your fanny!" Her: "WHAT?!!" Me: "I mean Chinese. Bloody autocorrect!" Her: "We're talking face to face Hugh” | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:25:01(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| 🤣🤣🤣 SING IT GIRLS!!! At first i was afraid , i was petrified! when u said u had 10 inches, lord i almost died!but id spent so many nights just waiting for a man that long, that i grew strong and knew that i could take u on... But there u are ,another lie, I was ready for a Big mac and u brought me a french fry! I should have known that it was bullshit , a sad pathetic dream! should have known there was no anaconda lurking in ur jeans! Go on now - go - walk out the door dont u promise me 10 inches and then turn up with 4 .. weren't u a prat to think i wouldnt find out? Dont u no were only joking when we say size dont count? I will survive as long as i have batteries, my sex life's going to thrive! I will always have good sex with a handful of latex i will survive i will survive HEY HEY !! View Post | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:28:56(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis... For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:29:12(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Got arrested last night for refusing to pay my bar tab. Apparently at Club Tropicana the drinks aren’t free. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:29:55(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "you know, a cow died so you could have that burger." Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded," maybe it died because you keep eating all it's food!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:38:50(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:39:02(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:40:04(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:40:15(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:40:52(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-19 23:04:14(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| All women do is fucking moan... First my wife bollocked me for nicking 50 quid out of the kid's copper jar, and then a prostitute went mental when I paid her in 2p's and 5p's! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-19 23:04:28(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife just said to me, "How on earth are we going to use 9% less gas this winter?" "You can stop burning my dinner for a start," I replied. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-19 23:07:53(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-20 21:50:44(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I once got the sack just for wiping my arse on the towel at work. Shame that, I was a fucking good boxing coach. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-20 21:51:00(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| All women do is fucking moan... First my wife bollocked me for nicking 50 quid out of the kid's copper jar, and then a prostitute went mental when I paid her in 2p's and 5p's! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-20 21:53:35(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-20 21:53:56(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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coaster  Posted at 2022-10-21 01:10:04(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-21 21:31:18(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!! What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-21 21:31:37(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went into the chemist and asked for some viagra. "Have you got a prescription?" asked the chemist. I replied "No, but will a picture of my wife do? | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-21 21:34:12(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED..??? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? What is the speed of darkness? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Can you cry under water? What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway. If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation? NO, THOUGHT NOT.. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-21 21:34:21(109Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-22 20:46:53(108Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to waterstones today and asked the assistant if she had a book on turtles, She said " yes! Hardback" I said " yes, with little heads"!! | |
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