GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-10-11 22:04:33(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you"... The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver"....  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-11 22:05:58(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| In a Bar A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1¢". "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the man. "4¢" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies," Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!" ******************** | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-11 22:08:15(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to an ESKIMO restaurant last night and the waitress said “ we’ve got whale meat, or whale meat, or the chefs special, VERA LYNN” I said “ what the fucks VERA LYNN?” To which she replied “ WHALE MEAT AGAIN” | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-11 22:08:29(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear"...? The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear"... Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mum and asks, "Mum, am I pure polar bear"...? She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear"... Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmum...Grandpop...am I all polar bear"...? His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie"...? The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm fucking freezing"... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-12 22:01:37(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-12 22:01:49(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the brake!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-12 22:02:20(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| TEACHER: name 6 wild animals? JOHNNY: 4 elephants and 2 lions!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-12 22:03:52(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-13 22:42:49(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A dog goes into B&Q and asks for a job, the manager says" have you tried the circus" dog says " why the fuck would the circus want a plumber" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-13 22:43:08(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Gert said to me: "When I get mad you never fight back. How do you control your anger?" Me “I clean the toilet." Gert : "How does that help?" Me : "I use your toothbrush!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-13 22:45:28(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| An elderly Englishman gentleman of 88 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Englishman said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, the English always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-13 22:45:38(101Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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Post liked by - QueenB  | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-14 22:36:45(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-14 22:37:03(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man was walking down the road dragging his leg behind. He notices another man walking towards him dragging his leg too. As the 2 men pass, one points at his old war wound & says, "Falklands 30 plus years back." The 2nd man points down at his & replies, "Dog shit 30 yards back!" Last edited by GodAndUlster on 2022-10-14 22:38:51 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-14 22:42:35(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-14 22:42:49(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-14 22:43:20(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:11:23(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite out of my arsehole. "Don't let him do that!" she screamed. "It's disgusting." "That's your opinion" I said. "This is his second jar, he absolutely loves the stuff!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:11:38(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My girlfriend isn't talking to me coz apparently I ruined her birthday. Not sure how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:12:12(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?" "No" I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant." [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:13:26(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I said to the wife, "i wish i known you as a baby". She said, "awww, did you want to see how cute i was?" I said, "No, you couldnt fuckin talk then." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:13:41(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?" "No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:15:02(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A bloke runs into a pet shop and throws a bomb on the counter and yells" YOUVE GOT ONE MINUTE TO GET OUT OF THE BUILDING " a tortoise at the back shouts " YOU CUNT" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:15:18(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked." I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-10-18 21:18:29(100Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife just sent me a message saying: “helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative” What does ‘ternative’ mean? | |
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