GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-09-22 21:48:57(104Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-23 21:19:39(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Won my first cage fight earlier Fucking budgie never knew what fucking hit him  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-23 21:23:15(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| When me mates grandad went into a nursing home he phoned up after a couple of days to ask how he was getting on, the nurse said " he's like a fish out of water" " so he's not settling in very well then" said me mate The nurse replied " no he's dead"!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-23 21:23:28(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-23 21:24:30(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-23 21:24:41(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-24 21:51:44(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan on the telephone. "So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says. "Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says. "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says. "Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says. Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-25 23:17:37(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-25 23:18:38(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-25 23:18:51(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 16:26:22(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Robert walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey... The bartender asks, "What's the matter"...? Robert says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend"... The next day Robert comes in again and orders 12 shots of whiskey... The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time"...? Robert said, "I found out that my son is gay"... The next day Robert comes in the bar again and orders 15 shots of whiskey... Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women"...? Robert looks up with tears in his eyes and says, "Apparently my wife does"... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 16:28:01(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 16:29:17(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:19:14(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My pet mouse ELVIS died last night He was caught in a trap | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:19:25(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I tried to catch the fog this morning Mist | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:21:43(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Two monkeys in a bath. First one says "Hoo hop ha ha!" Second one says "well put some cold water on then... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:22:08(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The Joy of Owning a Dick I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick...The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick. A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless. It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between. It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil. It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least. Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't. During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach. But handle it with love and cae, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure? Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught. They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee! Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve. Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat. It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee! But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot. And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:23:36(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife has gone on holiday to Thailand, she said last night her sexual fantasy involved handcuffs ...So I've put 2 kilo of cocaine in her suitcase. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:23:49(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was so drunk night. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, i took off my coat, shoes, top, trousers and underwear. I crept upstairs very quietly... It was only when i got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on the bus. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:24:46(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins. She's not nosey. Just shit at parking. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:25:02(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Gave the missus an orgasm last night... She spat it right back in my face! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:28:08(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Gave the missus an orgasm last night... She spat it right back in my face!  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:28:21(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| RETIREMENT BONUS The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000... The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-26 21:29:03(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-29 23:22:28(103Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Don't forget as winter will soon be upon us and our native birds are finding food scarce, please go to the pet shop and buy a mesh and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nutbag. Just remember however, it's a bit too late in the year to expect a swallow. | |
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