GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-08-29 21:03:31(118Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Swearing at Work." Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, "TRY SAYING" phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a fucking clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a fucking power-crazy bitch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: Fuck off arse-wipe 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well fuck me backwards with a telegraph pole 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a fuck. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my fucking problem, mate. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the fuck? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No fucking chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the fuck didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his fucking arse. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me? Instead Of: Oi, fuckface.  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-29 21:04:57(118Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-31 20:02:03(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Last week I bought an alarm clock made from spuds, I'm pissed off now because it gets me up at potato clock every day | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-31 20:04:14(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Fucking women... Wife has an Ann Summers party. They’re all playing around with dildos, beads and clit-ticklers. Apparently, I’m the weirdo for sitting there having a wank! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-31 20:04:27(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Had my first UFO experience this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus, "Morning fat arse." Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-31 20:06:11(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My porn star mate recently passed away... As a mark of respect we scattered his ashes over his wife's face! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-08-31 20:07:55(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-02 20:33:48(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A young boy, about eight years old, was in ASDA picking out a large box of washing powder. An assistant walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the checkout and paid for it, even then the assistant still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The assistant asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The assistant, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said she was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that washing powder on your dog." "Well", the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-02 20:43:57(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk. "Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-02 20:45:05(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-02 20:45:23(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-02 20:46:45(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-02 20:47:00(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-03 21:17:07(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales," she said. He replied, "No kidding; so am I." "What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell sanitary napkins." He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you." 😂😂😂 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-03 21:17:58(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Apparently the clocks go back in October. Well I'm fucked then. I can't remember where I got mine from. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-03 21:21:12(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was telling my female doctor today about how much my tennis elbow hurts, She asked " how many years have you had it?" I said " 15 love" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-04 23:03:03(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| After opening this month's electric bill... I am no longer scared of the dark... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-04 23:03:18(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A pirate goes to the doctors... "Thar be strange moles on me back!" Doctor says, "They’re benign!" "Check again matey, I think thar be ten!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-04 23:04:45(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The wife said, "If I ever got alzheimers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me..." I said, "That's the fifth time you've said that today!" | |
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Ratso Posted at 2022-09-05 10:24:10(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Two chemistry students go into a restaurant, waiter asks them what they want to drink. First one says "I'll have an H2O please", second one says : I'll have an H2O too"  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-05 21:14:40(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I held the door open for a beautiful blonde in the pub last night. My wife said, "You’ve never held the door open for me!" I said, "What about the time you threat | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-05 21:15:45(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-05 21:16:06(117Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-09 21:24:18(116Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe . 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-09-09 21:24:42(116Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!' The husband said, 'The what'? The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis door!' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch.. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass...!' The rest, as they say, is history... | |
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