GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-05-23 16:20:05(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just had two Police Officers at my door! They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?” I replied, “No, I’m not.” “How about LS?” “No.” “What about JD?” I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?” The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquires.”  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-23 16:20:18(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick... Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-23 16:22:22(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The nerve of some people omg I'm fuming! Anyways picked up a basket started walking around to get a few things and noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No big deal. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again, staring! So now I'm like, "What the heck is her problem?" Finish up shopping and head to the cashier check to out. Guess who is there ahead of me? Right. The staring lady! She turns around and starts staring at me again. So I start playing with my phone because at this point it's getting weird. Uncomfortable! Finally she says, "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who passed away." Thought to myself, "It makes sense now." Felt kind of bad for thinking she was a weirdo and said, "Sorry for your loss." She says, "Thank you, but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and I'll understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mum?' Inside I was like FUCK NO crazy lady, but I know people have different ways of getting over a loss so I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to£100.87 and I'm like, dafuq! just bought a few things and I knew it should have been like £20. The lady then tells me that my total was included with my mums. I'm like, "WTH?" "Your mum said you were paying for her stuff along with your things. I told her that woman was not my mum. She said, "Well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mum! I'm like OMG! Can't believe this! I flew out of the store looking for this awful woman, ready to drag her back in the store by her hair! I see her loading up her car and I started running towards her. She saw me and jumped in her car so fast. Got to her just as she was putting her leg in, and started pulling her leg. She struggled but kept pulling until her wooden leg popped off right in my hands! Im thinking, OMG! Is this really happening right now? So I dropped the wooden leg and grabbed her other leg and started pulling. Just like I'm pulling yours right now! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:40:59(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I'm not saying people in Derby have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans..... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:41:14(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Never judge a book by its cover. Unless it's the Yellow Pages, the pages are yellow... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:47:56(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| She dropped her towel to reveal her taught vaginal lips and pert supple breasts. Slowly, my eyes wandered up her lithe, tanned body. Our eyes met.. locked in a reciprocal gaze that seemed to last an eternity. It was only then that I realised "Fuck she's spotted my peephole!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:48:17(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Me and the wife went to the cinema to watch a film. Half way through my wife whispered to me, "The bloke next to me is masturbating." I told her, "Just ignore him." She replied, "I can't. He's using my hand!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:50:01(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine by telling the police woman she looked stunning... Then I fucked it up by saying, "And that's not the drink talking either!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:51:43(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:51:58(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:52:38(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-25 20:53:29(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| coasterPosted at 2022-05-25 23:56:28(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:26:35(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A high jumper walks into a bar… He got disq ualified! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:26:51(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| It all seems like a dream really, there is Tariq, a young Iraqi lad kicking a ball about on a bit of waste ground. But what ball control and what skill! It wasn't long before he was befriended but some British Soldiers who saw his potential and a footballing scout was sent to Iraq to check the lad out. It seems crazy but within a month he'd signed for Liverpool. So the great day comes, Tariq is on the bench for the first time at a premiership game. It isn't going well. Liverpool are 0-2 down with 10 minutes to go. Jurgen Klopp looks nervous. He comes up to the lad and says "OK Tariq, we need to see that skill, that magic you have shown us on the training ground, do you feel up to going on for the last 10 minutes?" "Of course boss, I'll do my best." say's a nervous Tariq. Well he needn't have worried. In 10 minutes this wonder kid scores three goals. The final whistle goes and place goes crazy. Klopp fights through the crowd to find Tariq being carried by the other players. "Tariq, this is a great day for you, for your country and for your people. It is important to speak to your family and tell them what has happened here, I have your mother on the phone, tell her." "Hello mother, this is Tariq, I can't begin to tell you mummy what has happened here, the manager put me on for 10 minutes and I scored three goals mummy. The crowd love me, the players love me and the manager loves me!" "Well, well oh that's so great." His mother replies sarcastically. "Shall I tell you about our day? Well your sister and I were walking to market, A gang on men approached us, stole our money and pushed us into a ditch. Your father was cycling to work this morning, he was shot in the leg and had his bike stolen, and your brother, well I've not seen him since a gang came and persuaded him to join them. Goodness knows where he is now or what he's up to, but why does this matter to you with your football!" "But mummy, I thought you'd be so happy for me!" Replies a disappointed Tariq. "Happy for you?" His mother says, "Happy for you? If it wasn't for you we wouldn't have moved to Liverpool in the first place!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:28:25(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I have just discovered that I have amazing mind powers. Just today I melted an ice cube by simply staring at it ......For an hour. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:28:42(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you are worried, no one sees your pain. Sometimes when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just one time.. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:32:32(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Think I've got the onset of monkey pox ! I was watc hing Planet of the Apes last night and I could understand what Ceasar was saying !! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:32:46(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What is wrong with people???? Some dude found my cell phone in Walmart ...literally 30 seconds after I left it by the checkout!! I watched this dude pocket it. 😡 He tried keeping it!! I walked behind him tapping him on the shoulder to tell him to give it back, but this dummy denied having it!! 😡😡😡 Then here comes Dummy #2.. A bigger dummy kept tapping the .... See More | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:34:17(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-26 20:34:36(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| coasterPosted at 2022-05-26 22:41:24(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| coasterPosted at 2022-05-26 23:32:38(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| coasterPosted at 2022-05-26 23:38:50(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| NiceGuyEddiePosted at 2022-05-27 22:47:07(131Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Why did the chicken cross the road and go into the mens toilet ? Co's it's wear all the cocks hang out.  | |
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