GodAndUlster        Posted at 2021-07-28 20:16:43(173Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My son said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" I said, "Of course you can." "It's a bit awkward..." he began. I said, "No problem, fire away." "Why have you got your cock in the hoover?"  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-28 20:17:21(173Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I took my young son camping at the weekend. As we sat around the fire he said, "I need a shit." I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere & you can't get into trouble." He walked off & came back a few minutes later. "Where did you have one?" "In your car!" | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-28 20:18:02(173Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. and barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!” The owner responds, . "Genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-28 20:18:31(173Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Just called the Sea Life Centre for some tickets... They said my call would be recorded for training porpoises! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-28 20:19:31(173Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My girlfriend just passed her driving test and asked me to buy her something cheap to run around in... So I bought her some trainers from Lidl! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-28 20:20:24(173Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I went dogging with the wife last night! Never again!!! By the time she'd finished parking the car everyone had gone! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-28 20:21:32(173Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 20:48:09(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west. | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 20:49:13(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| ast night I made a romantic meal for my wife and called out "honey, dinner's ready". I then heard the moaning of sexual pleasure as she replied "mmmm, just coming baby" and she let out a giggle. So, I walked into the lounge to find her lying naked on the sofa, seductively stroking her pussy. "Why don't you make me come"? she purred. So, I punched her in the face and screamed "FUCKING DINNER, NOW!! [justify][/justify] | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 20:50:18(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I found a purse on a table in a cafe with a £100 in in. This old lady come rushing in and said to me, "have you found a purse...? I think I left it in here, I'm so forgetful I keep losing things"... I said, "No worries love, I found it, lucky for you, you didn't have any money in it".. | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 20:51:39(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I said to my new girlfriend, "Have you ever had sex with a parrot".... She replied, "No, But I've sucked a cockatoo".... | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 20:51:56(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I said to my new girlfriend, "Have you ever had sex with a parrot".... She replied, "No, But I've sucked a cockatoo".... | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 20:52:12(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My Gert walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?" "Its a red wine sauce I've made." I pointed my finger towards her and said, "Have a taste." She said, "That tastes fucking disgusting." "Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my arse with that one | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 20:52:53(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My wife was trying on different things yesterday and asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. "Give them to your sister," I replied. | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 21:33:42(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 21:33:53(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-01 21:34:34(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:36:20(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| When me dog fell in the Trent a German bloke jumped in after him and pulled him out, when he got to the shore he checked him over and said" ze dog vill be fine" I said." Are you a vet? He replied " vet, I'm fucking soaked" | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:37:09(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Wife: "Can you tell me why I found photos of naked women on your phone?" Husband: "Because you’re a nosey fucking twat!" | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:37:42(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| An Indian builder has fell through the roof at a Lionel Richie concert, a spokesman said " the last thing I saw was DAN SINGH ON THE CEILING " | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:38:21(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Fucking polish lad next door keeps me awake at night playing " I want to know what love is " Bloody foreigner | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:41:34(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead... My sister went mad when she looked in his pram! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:42:07(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I had bubble and squeak for me dinner Well the kids never gave a fuck about them rabbits | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:42:55(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Me mates dog died so I bought him an identical one, the ungrateful bastard said " what the fuck am I gonna do with two dead dogs" | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-04 22:43:30(172Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I knocked at my neighbour's door today. "Your son has just run out in front of my car," I snapped. "I nearly killed him." "I'm so sorry," she gasped. "He won't be doing it again." "I know he won't," I replied. "The paramedic said that he was probably paralysed!" | |
Like 0 | ||