GodAndUlster        Posted at 2021-06-27 10:41:20(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I took my wife to Specsavers this morning....... "Even they couldn't see why I fucking married her"......!!!  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:41:31(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What’s the difference between jam and marmalade? You can’t Marmalade your cock up your girlfriend’s arse! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:42:11(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I'm not saying I'm unlucky but I bought a memory foam mattress the other day and now it's been diagnosed with fucking Dementia... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:45:27(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've just watched the Harry Potter films. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me.. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?.. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:45:37(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession. I'd better fetch the suitcase from the van. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:45:38(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession. I'd better fetch the suitcase from the van. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:46:23(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. "You've given me one too many." "That one is a freebie!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:46:35(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My ex girlfriend had a fantastic set of tits!. However one was bigger than the other. She wasn't really that self conscious until she entered a wet t shirt contest and came 1st and 3rd!!.. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:48:06(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A gay guys walks into a pharmacy with his suppository prescription and approaches the front counter. He hands the prescription to the pharmacist and after confirming the prescription, the pharmacist asks him, "Okay sir, what kind of pills would you like?" The guy looks around and over the shoulder of the pharmacist, and spots something he wants. He points at the wall and says, "I'll take that kind right there!" The pharmacist looks at what he is pointing at and says, "Sorry sir, but you cant have that. It's our fire extinguisher!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:49:21(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help. A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and open her legs. He quickly runs to the kitchen and grabs the first penis-shaped thing he can find, an ear of corn. He shoves it in her, and throws it out the window. Grabs another, rams it in and throws it out the window. She is finally satisfied and agrees to cook for them. He goes outside to get his friends, and they exclaim, "We're actually not hungry anymore. We just ate some delicious, buttery corn on the cob!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:49:33(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:50:43(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?" The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-27 10:50:53(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having sex to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist. However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other. One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.” The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part. Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your m om I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”: | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-28 22:26:35(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was watching tv last night and an ad came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to get one, they seem to work much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-28 22:27:54(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| For our gerts Birthday I got a map of the world, gave her a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands! I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-28 22:29:22(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was busy rolling a cigarette on my way home from the pub last night when I suddenly thought....... "It's got to be quicker to pick it up and carry the fucking thing".....!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-29 09:35:44(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| There was a fight in the local petrol station last night… Six people were arrested in Total! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-29 09:37:12(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife was trying on different things yesterday and asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. "Give them to your sister," I replied. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-29 09:38:40(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-06-29 09:39:21(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My boss said there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-01 12:01:32(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What do you call a surprised Chinaman? Ho Lee fuk | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-01 12:01:51(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other to asked, “How?” She replied, “Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy”. The red head said, “If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES" !!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-01 12:02:38(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, Then it dawned on me!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-01 12:04:54(177Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| How do Mexicans keep warm? They use chickens for heaters.... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-07-02 10:19:03(176Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A 100 people in Derby were asked which would they prefer the Pound or the Euro...? "99% said they will stick with the Giro".... | |
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