I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?" I immediately said, "Thirt...

2022-01-15 20:47:39

I said to the doctor " can I have some sleeping pills for the wife "? He asked "why"? I said " she keeps waking up "!!:_:D:_:D

2022-01-15 20:46:25

A new supermarket opened in my area. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pa...

2022-01-15 20:46:06

My wife has just accused me of being nosey, Not to my face, I read it in her diary.:_:D

2022-01-15 20:44:21

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was".

2022-01-15 20:44:02

My wife and I decided to cut down on smoking by only smoking after sex. I haven't touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.:_:D:_:D:_:D

2022-01-15 20:42:48

I went to the chip shop and asked for a jumbo sausage. The bloke said "it won't be long" I said "it fucking better be!":_:D:_:D

2022-01-15 20:42:24

So I lay on my death bed the other day, with my wife Tina, and my sister Marge by my side. When I saw them getting upset I comforted them - "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina...".:_:D:_...

2022-01-15 20:41:04

I went up to a random ginger lad and asked, "If you had the phone number for 7 girls in one pocket and 8 in the other, what would you have?" He said, "I'd have 15 girls phone numb...

2022-01-15 20:40:52

My mate bet me £100 that I couldn't do a butterfly impression... I thought, ‘that's got to be worth a little flutter’...:_:D

2022-01-14 20:54:43

My Grandad said "It's going to be a fuckin nightmare this winter wot with this covid outbreak" I said "Tell me something I don't know" Grandad replied "Your nanas ...

2022-01-14 20:53:33

Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning. 'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.:_:D:_:D

2022-01-14 20:53:19

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I have turned myself around, and that's what it's all about.:_:D:_:D

2022-01-13 21:54:47

I went to the doctors today, "Oh dear", he said as he clutched my testicles. "This isn't good!" "What is it doc? What have I got?" I asked all worried. He cleared ...

2022-01-13 21:54:25

I was in bed with the wife the other night. She said, "Tonight I'm going to make you the happiest man on earth!" I said, "Why? Are you going to fuck off in the morning?":_:D...

2022-01-13 21:53:19

I looked out my window this morning and couldn't believe my eyes. Some cheeky beggar was stealing my gate. I didn't say anything though in case he took a fence.:_:D:_:D

2022-01-13 21:53:06

This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date... So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents’ house!!..:_:D:_:D

2022-01-13 21:52:02

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun. Peter Jones said, "What's your idea?" I replied, "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money ...

2022-01-13 21:51:46

[img]https://i.imgur.com/wh4Q617.jpg[/img]

2022-01-12 22:49:38

I ordered some stuff online the other day and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card. Cost me an arm and a leg.:_:D

2022-01-12 22:47:38

I've spent the last 3 hours looking for my cat with one eye, Should have used both probably would have found him:_:D:_:D

2022-01-12 22:47:04

Police are hunting the 'Knitting Needle killer' he has stabbed 28 people in the arse, they believe he's following a pattern.:_:D:_:D

2022-01-12 22:46:50

My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it. Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week!:_:D:_:D

2022-01-12 22:44:43

My email password has been hacked again... That's the third time I've had to rename the dog!:_:D:_:D

2022-01-12 22:44:07

My son didn't cope well with going to jail. He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit... After that we never played Monopoly again!:_:D:_:...

2022-01-12 22:43:55

A chap I know got sacked from his job at the calendar factory... All he did was take a day off...:_:D:_:D

2022-01-12 22:42:59

gert said to me”I don't know whether I'm coming or going"? I replied, "You must be going, because when your coming you look like a stroke victim who is trying to whistle".:...

2022-01-12 22:42:41

A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray. A man used to come out of the station each morning and put 20p on the tray but never used to take the matches. One morni...

2022-01-12 22:41:50

well the site working at my end bang right in....

2022-01-11 23:36:02

[img]https://i.imgur.com/KFThZfl.jpg[/img]

2022-01-11 20:34:04