GodAndUlster        Posted at 2023-01-16 20:47:03(96Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, "Do you mind if I say a word?" The widow says, "Please do." The man clears his throat and says, "Bargain." The widow replies, "Thanks that means a great deal!"  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-16 20:48:29(96Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I must be the unluckiest person in the world....? I have just found a wage packet outside Asda...... "The bastards had 4 days off sick"..  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-16 20:48:52(96Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths Blacksmith: "Are you any good at shoeing horses?" I said: "No but I once told a Donkey to fuck off" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-16 20:51:00(96Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?" I immediately said, "Thirty six." He said, "That's not even close!" I said, "But it was quick!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-16 20:51:23(96Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A new supermarket opened in my area. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:33:11(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GERT : I had a dream last night that they were auctioning off cocks, the big ones were going for £20 and the small ones were going for £10 ME : how much for the ones like mine? GERT : They gave them away for free ME : I had a dream as well and they were auctioning off fanny’s, the pretty ones went for £1000 and the little tight ones went for £2000 GERT : how much for the ones like mine? ME : NOTHING, that’s where they held the fucking auction | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:33:28(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Paddy: Have you heard of MURPHY’S LAW? Mick: No, what’s that? Paddy: If something can go wrong it will go wrong Mick: Have you heard of COLES LAW? Paddy: No what’s that? Mick: thinly sliced cabbage | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:34:57(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A couple have just had sex. The woman says, "If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?" The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet. "Well" he says, "If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini". | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:37:09(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouted.... 'I'll do the fucking dishes! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:39:02(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op.🤣😂 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:39:25(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Wife strikes again but stronger than before! A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love." The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!" "What's Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:41:05(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.' Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew,.he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Fred. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard..... "Fred, wake up! You've shit the bed!". | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:41:19(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife is doing an experiment. She's wearing a Derby county shirt for a week to get peoples reactions So far she's been kicked punched and spat on! Fuck knows what's gonna happen when she actually leaves the house. [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:42:41(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The fucking dog ran off last night, I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, our gert said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:43:22(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| We cleared out my gran's flat this morning, sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her flat on the market. She'll be well pissed off when she gets back from bingo. Xxx [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:57:51(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:58:44(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 22:59:27(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 23:00:38(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-24 23:02:42(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-26 21:00:15(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women,they are bringing together the clio and the taurus,calling it the clitaurus.It comes in pink and it is assumed that the average male car thief won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where to locate it. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-26 21:00:28(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-26 21:02:21(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2023-01-26 21:02:44(95Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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