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GodAndUlster        Posted at 2021-08-04 22:44:25(152Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was at my girlfriends funeral yesterday and met her parents for the first time, what a miserable pair of bastards they are.  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-06 10:53:03(152Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-06 10:54:57(152Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-10 09:58:56(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| An undercover cop called at my farm in Pocklington yesterday evening. “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am? I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge !!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-10 10:00:17(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-10 10:00:47(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-10 10:03:13(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to an ‘Inter-Religion Integration Seminar’ The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said: By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today! The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands, and said: By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today ! The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said: by the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!” I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said: Insha Allah, you will walk today! I snapped at him: There is nothing wrong with me. The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said: By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today! I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me. After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen. !! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-11 09:26:35(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, ”What’s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a bastard thing!” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband’s new hearing aid" !!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-13 21:24:10(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!... Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..... Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!!. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-13 21:24:42(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A lad comes home from school with two black eyes. His dad says, "What the fuck have you been doing?" Lad: "A boy hit me with a piece of wood!" Dad: "You should of stood up for yourself son. Did you not have anything in your hands?" Lad: "Yeah... his girlfriends tits!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-13 21:25:13(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A homeless man asked me for some money.. I said "You'll spend it on drink" "I don't drink!" he said "You'll gamble it away" "I've never bet in my life!" "You'll blow it on fags then" "I don't smoke!" "Get your coat," I said, "I want my wife to see what a guy who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble looks like!!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-13 21:26:28(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Donna a girl at work has put on a bit of weight and has taken up speed walking at lunch time . She asked the lads If they wanted anything while she was out . One of the lads asked if she could stop by the deli and get him a bottle of tabasco . Later when she got back to the workshop she said "who wants this tabasco" Chris shouts out "anyone order a large Donna with chilli sauce" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-13 21:27:06(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've been diagnosed colour blind To be honest, it came right out of the purple | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-13 21:29:02(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-13 21:29:42(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:17:50(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was crap at spelling at school, But I was great at jografy though | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:18:30(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle... I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:19:32(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Can you please stop masturbating while I'm asleep," asked my wife. "If you're asleep, how do you know I'm masturbating?" I replied. "Because I can't open my eyes in the mornings!" she said. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:20:07(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Last night in bed with my wife, she discovered an unusual lump on my testicles... It was ok though, it turned out to be an erection! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:20:39(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Went to the annual dyslexic disco last night, it was great until the dj put YMCA on Then it was fucking mayhem | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:22:13(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've just written a song about a tortilla Well actually it's more of a wrap!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:53:52(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-14 22:54:01(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-15 08:16:05(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What does a man with a 10" cock have for breakfast? Well this morning I had a bacon and sausage cob and a cup of tea from greggs | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-15 08:17:31(151Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went back to see my doctor yesterday. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I said, "On the bus!" | |
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