GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-05-17 20:39:28(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-17 20:40:06(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:05:44(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk"...? He asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story"...? The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired"...! The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" The owner says. "£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply"...? "Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden"....  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:06:31(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I wasn't sure how to make Bucks Fizz, but it seems you put fresh oranges into a blender and then you gotta speed it up then you gotta slow it down.... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:06:45(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I'm going to a fancy dress party as a sweet shop owner. I just tried on my outfit and my wife said "give me a twirl", I thought blimey, it must be convincing. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:10:03(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked. "Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends. ""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" I said, "My wife found out." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:10:18(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "I'm pregnant" He asks, "How did this happen my child?" She says, "I think it must be the second coming! The priest, shocked by this reply asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?" She replies, "Because I swallowed the first!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:11:23(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:14:19(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-18 21:15:13(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-20 00:07:23(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The secret to my long marriage is we go out for a romantic meal twice every week..... "I go on a Tuesday and she goes on a Friday"....!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-20 00:07:40(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My estate is so rough they have jehovah bystanders They witness fuck all | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-20 00:09:26(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| When I was younger, I went shoplifting in Ann Summers..... I stole a vibrator i didn't need it, i only did it for the buzz......!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-20 00:09:38(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I think my wife sells drugs? As I was leaving the phone rang. When I answered it the bloke on the other end said "has that dope gone yet?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-20 12:58:42(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-20 22:34:05(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-21 23:54:29(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| 2 slices of bread got married… It was going so well, until the guests toasted the bride and groom! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-21 23:54:44(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Last night I asked my wife if she fancied a takeaway....? She said, "Are you talking Chinese"...? I said, "No, did it sound Chinese".....? | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-21 23:56:06(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Wife says to husband; "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" Husband says; "That’s not true... sometimes I want a kebab" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-21 23:56:18(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on BBC 2 yesterday..... "I hope they'll be showing highlights"....!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-22 11:55:37(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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|  quick image upload | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-22 22:54:47(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-22 22:55:02(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-23 16:18:22(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Gang of lads in a pub an a woman walks past. One guy said to the rest of his mates, "I’d give her one".... The woman turned round an said, I would not have sex with you if you was the last man on Earth"...... The guy re plies, "Who said anything about sex, I was marking you outta 10 you cunt"....... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-23 16:18:41(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My next door neighbour knocked on my door this morning wearing nothing but a see through negligee, blowing gently in the breeze, and asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then asked to come in for a cup of coffee..... I said, "Fuck off Dave, I've got to go to work now"......!!! | |
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