GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-05-06 20:57:53(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-06 20:58:07(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-06 20:58:51(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 22:59:01(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've just been through a security check at the airport and I was asked if I'd left my suitcase unattended at any time? I said "Yes, its been in the fucking attic for the last 10 months you twat!"  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 22:59:45(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 23:05:19(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to get a tattoo of an indian on my back ,half way through I said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand". The tattooist replied "FFS mate give us a chance , I've only just finished his turban | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 23:05:32(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons... Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 23:07:08(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What do u call a lesbian dinosaur? Alickalottapuss What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Megasoreass [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 23:10:25(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My Dad's motto through life was "Always leave them wanting more." Great man. Terrible anaesthetist. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 23:11:08(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-08 23:11:36(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:03:12(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Weight Loss Program. A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine." He lost 33 lbs that week. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:03:34(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I just met a Chinese drug addict.... He said "Have you seen my cocaine?" I said "Not since he starred in Zulu". | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:04:22(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A blonde is driving her new sports car and cuts out in front of a lorry, almost causing it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees that she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around, and she's laughing so hard that she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle"...!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:05:19(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| T.V licence man came to the door this afternoon and asked... have you got a TV licence? I said no. Well I see u've got a Ariel... well I said I've got Milk in the fridge but that don't mean have a fucking cow in the garden | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:07:01(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The Pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Derby, Billy walks on stage an asks, "Can you help with my hearing"...? The Pope says, "Yes" an puts his hands on Billy's ears then prays removes his hands an says, "How is your hearing now"...? Billy says, "I don't know its not til next Wednesday". | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:07:22(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I'd been fucking this woman for ages, and just as I was about to cum, I whipped my cock out and shot all over my her face. "You dirty bastard", she moaned. "You could have told me." "No chance", I replied. "I'm a bus driver. I don't give any warning when I'm pulling out!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:08:39(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My girlfriend just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said, "As you wish," and booked it for her. She's going tomorrow... I'm leaving in three weeks and flying there! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:08:53(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| During sex last night, my partner whispered in my ear, "Pretend you're my dad." I was furious. "You are one sick-minded girl, what a disgusting thing to ask me." I stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door. I mean, you don't expect shit like that from your sister, do you? | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-09 22:09:47(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes and the other takes one less! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-10 23:28:02(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-11 21:40:23(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night....... We took the A4....... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-11 21:40:43(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I called my boss earlier and said, "I won't be returning to work tomorrow because I've got vaginal issues"...... He said, "For fucks sake you're a man".... I replied, "Yes but you're a cunt"......!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-11 21:42:15(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man went to the doctors with a cucumber in one ear, a hot dog in the other, and two carrots stuck up his nose...... He asked, "What was wrong with him"...... The doctor replied, "You've not been eating properly".......!!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-05-11 21:42:27(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake. | |
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