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GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-03-28 21:29:31(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My missus just said "What are your plans for Easter?" I said "The same as Jesus!" Disappear Friday then turn up on Monday!  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-28 21:29:42(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My missus is a nurse and the other day she attended a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" The lecturer noticed that his talk was beginning to make his audience drowsy so he decided to lighten the mood. He looked at my missus and said to her "Do you know what your arsehole is doing whilst you orgasm"? She replied "Yea, he's probably out fishing with his mates"! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-28 21:30:39(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My Gert walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?" "Its a red wine sauce I've made." I pointed my finger towards her and said, "Have a taste." She said, "That tastes fucking disgusting." "Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my arse with that one." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-28 21:33:50(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Whenever me and the wife fall out, she has this little trick to make everything better... Fucks off to her mums for a week! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-28 21:34:05(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-29 20:54:17(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| i mistakenly swallowed a bottle of tipex last night instead of viagra.i woke up this morning with a hugh correction. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-29 20:55:48(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5?. I told them infant school | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-29 20:56:20(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My mate needed a bone marrow transplant We found a match in Argentina The operation was a success Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-29 20:56:56(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My instructor told me 'Never brake if there's an animal in the road'. You should have seen his face when I knocked the copper off his horse | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-29 20:59:43(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:43:28(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks, "What are the easiest exercises I can take to lose weight?" He replies, "At certain times, just shake your head." "What certain times?'" "Whenever someone offers you food!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:43:45(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My son didn't cope well with going to jail. He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit... After that we never played Monopoly again! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:45:11(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My English teacher said, "Your grammar is shit." I replied, "Your grandad is a cunt!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:45:26(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was on a date with a woman I met on Facebook. I said, "I like honesty, and I can tell you're an honest girl." "Really?" she asked. "How can you tell?" I said, "You're the first girl I've been out with that actually looks like their profile photo." She said, "That's a picture of Spongebob Squarepants, you cheeky twat." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:47:22(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My mate was rushed into hospital this morning suffering from a severe case of premature ejaculation. I phoned the hospital to get an update of his condition and they said, "it's touch and go at the moment." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:47:34(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Are you an old person suffering with insomnia? Well cheer up...at least you won't die in your sleep. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:49:25(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-30 23:50:19(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-31 22:17:49(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner... So I took the battery out of the smoke detector! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-31 22:18:15(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Doing a crossword I asked the wife "What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?" Wife said "aunt?" I said pass the tippex! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-31 22:19:44(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife told me she's thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with the musical 'Grease'... I said, "Tell me more!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-04-01 21:09:46(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've managed to avoid about fifty April fools jokes this morning… I've lost my job as an emergency service operator as a result though! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-04-01 21:10:03(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a spy." "Why are you dressed like a shepherd?" "I'm a shepherds spy!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-04-01 21:11:07(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just on the news, Marti Pellow has arthritis... He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-04-01 21:11:27(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?" "Show me your tits & then ask me the question again", I replied. So she lifted up her top & bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?" "Sorry love. I don't smoke!" [justify][/justify] | |
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