|NEWSFLASH| Keep your money transactions confidential and untraceable 
https://getmonero.org
https://getmonero.org https://getmonero.org
GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-03-18 22:31:14(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| The only time that my wife screams my name in bed.... Is when I fart in my sleep.  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 22:32:25(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| The last time I was at the beach. I flirted with every single girl there wearing a bikini. They all could not stop laughing though and said......., "Why the fuck are you wearing a bikini"...! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 22:32:42(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Me and the wife walked past a swanky new restaurant in town last night. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!" Being the kindhearted fella I am, I thought, 'What the hell I'll treat her'... So I walked her passed it again! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 22:36:35(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 22:37:30(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 20:51:06(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My mate was sat on a packed bus when this woman said to him, "Excuse me, why don't you let this heavily pregnant woman laden with bags of shopping sit down." "Why the fuck should I? " He replied, "I've paid my fare the same as her, besides, she can sit down when we get home." | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 20:52:09(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Fuck me i made the mistake of asking alexa "What do women want"...? My phone's not stopped talking for three fuckin days now... | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 20:52:28(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| The difference between men and women: Woman sees skid mark in toilet, grabs gloves, toilet brush, disinfectant and scrubs furiously until the toilet is spotless! Man sees skid mark in toilet, pulls out dick and tries to piss until it's clean! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 20:54:10(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My Wife has bought some of that pot pourie stuff....... Now the bathroom smells like someone’s shit in a lemon tree. | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 20:56:50(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Was at a wedding in derby yesterday, seen a man who was wearing a kilt. I said "You've probably been asked this loads of times already, but can I ask you the traditional question?" He grinned and replied "Oh, go on then!" I said "Do you realise you look a complete fucking knob? | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 23:34:49(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 23:41:54(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-19 23:42:43(120Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
|  | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:26:00(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Two Irish Women in a Bar Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am..!' The first one says, 'So am I..! And where about in Ireland are ya from..?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin..?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I..! So did I..! And what school did ya go to..?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I..! Tell me, what year did you graduate..?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us..! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight..! Can you believe it..? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self..!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian..?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are friggging drunk again. | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:26:17(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright son, it's about time you went to bed", I said. "But Dad I'm 18", he protested. "I don't care", I said. "You're not watching me having a wank!" | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:27:30(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I'm selling my pet python on eBay,some bloke just rang up and asked,is it big?,I said fucking massive,he said how many feet? I said none,its a fucking snake | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:27:44(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| y wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man". I said, "Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest man ever. She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?” I said, “Pack your bags and fuck off".....!!! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:29:01(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| The wife came home with 4 bottles of whisky, 3 boxes of wine, 3 crates of beer and 2 loaves of bread. "Are we expecting company?" I asked. "No," she replied. "Then why did you buy so much fucking bread." | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:29:16(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I'm not saying staff at my local Asda are idle bastards, but I've used the self checkout twice...... I've already been named Employee of the Month !!! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:32:54(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| The wife came home with 4 bottles of whisky, 3 boxes of wine, 3 crates of beer and 2 loaves of bread. "Are we expecting company?" I asked. "No," she replied. "Then why did you buy so much fucking bread." | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-21 23:33:08(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist." "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-22 21:38:27(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate, "I'm stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M." He said, "Marooned." I said, "Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then!" | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-22 21:38:43(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| A woman walks in to her husband and says, "You're the laziest bastard I've ever met. Pack your bags and get out!" He says, "You fuck ing pack them!" | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-22 21:39:27(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| Bought my girlfriend a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool... I couldn't g et her off the big wheel for 2 fucking days! | |
Like 0 | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-22 21:40:16(119Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
|---|---|---|
| My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got. | |
Like 0 | ||
