GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:36:56(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Finally my winter fat has gone! I now have spring rolls. | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:38:39(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party... | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:38:52(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I had a dream last night that I was getting a blowjob from the blonde one from ABBA... I only woke up because his beard was tickling my balls! | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:39:31(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| "How do you fancy having the best sex you ever dreamed of darling?" I asked the drop dead gorgeous young lady in the pub last night. She looked at me with utter disdain and said, "No I bloody well don't fancy that at all!" "Well I'm your man then!" I said. | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:40:07(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My young son asked me why the soap was hanging from a rope in the bathroom? I said "it's probably because it's seen your fucking mother naked" | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:41:29(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My young son asked me why the soap was hanging from a rope in the bathroom? I said "it's probably because it's seen your fucking mother naked" | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:41:39(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My uncle came out of the closet today. He's not gay or anything, he has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car... | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:43:01(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I'm not saying the staff at B&Q are stupid but I asked a member of staff a simple question and he was straight on the tannoy. "Can a Matt White come to the checkout please, I have a customer looking for a Matt White"... | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:43:15(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife hates it when I say, "You're just like your mother!" Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex! | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-15 23:43:41(133Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Finally found a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb... I drew a cock on it! | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:17:51(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| "Would you like anything on your chips?" "Does it cost extra?" "Ten pence." "All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie!" | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:19:03(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Last week, my next door neighbour asked me, "Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen," I said. Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!" "So did I!" I said. | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:19:34(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I said to my. Gert," I've got a sore arse" she said " ring sting?"so I said " how the fuck would he know what to do with it " | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:20:14(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was shagging my wife last night and she looked back and said, "I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!" As soon as I did, she screamed... I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first! | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:27:05(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| After I broke my arm, I asked the nurse if I'd be able to play the piano once it healed. When she said yes, I said, "Great, I've never been able to play before!" | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:28:19(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head? Claude. | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:32:52(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:33:12(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:34:38(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:34:56(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:36:30(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:36:44(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 10:37:48(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 22:29:37(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam idiots on eBay'. That was 3 months ago, and it's still not arrived yet!...🙂 | |
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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-18 22:30:58(132Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| When I first met my girlfriend. I told her I was a stunt pilot. One day when I was working in Asda she came in and saw me up a ladder stacking boxes of washing powder on the shelves she said, "You told me you were a stunt pilot"... I said, "I'm part of the Ariel display team".....!!! | |
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