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GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-02-25 23:31:02(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| ve decided to paint all my clothes rather than buy new ones. Just finished the second coat.  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-25 23:31:50(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My neighbour just banged on my door there and shouted "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident along the road, a paki has been run down, hes bleeding to death". I asked him "Whats wrong with your own phone?" He said "The camera's shit on mine". | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-25 23:32:28(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant last night... Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-26 00:00:05(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-26 23:22:34(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I didn't understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down... And th en the penne dropped! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-26 23:22:34(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I didn't understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down... And th en the penne dropped! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-26 23:22:47(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| To make it easier to identify my herbs, I've been growing them in alphabetical order. When I showed my friend she said, "How do you find the time?" "Easy," I replied. "It's right next to the sage!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-26 23:23:22(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was talking to a blonde girl on a dating site... I said, "I'm 11 inches, babe!" She said "Fuck off, I'm not dating a midget!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-26 23:25:14(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My Wife has bought some of that pot pourie stuff... Now the bathroom smells like someone’s shit in a lemon tree... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-26 23:25:30(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex. As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few dicks where you work. How do you rate mine?" She said, "It's slightly bigger than most I see." "Thanks," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?" "I'm a midwife!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:22:52(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A vicar and a car salesman were playing golf together. On the 5th. green, the salesman, had a 4 yard putt. He sized it up and struck the ball. It skirted the edge of the cup and rolled 3 yards past. "Fuck it, I missed!" said the salesman. The vicar tutted, and allowed the salesman to try again. This time the ball jumped the cup and rolled away. "OH! Fuck it, I missed" said the salesman. The vicar was quite shocked by the foul language, and said, "My son, I am sure our Lord is not happy with your language, and, if you carry on like this, I am certain he will strike you down." Once more the salesman tried, again the ball rolled past the cup. "Oh Fuck! I missed again!" Suddenly, a bolt of lightning zapped down from the clear blue sky, and turned the vicar into a pile of ashes. A booming voice from above, said "OH FUCK IT, I MISSED" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:23:40(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:24:41(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I met up with an old friend last night. I asked "So what you doing these days?" He replied"I hand out clothes to poor people!" "That's so charitable" I said "Not really" He said. "I work in Primark!" [justify][/justify] | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:25:47(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:27:02(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration. “What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.” “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!” “Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!” “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!” “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!” “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior. “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!” “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile. “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!” The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you!?” 0 comments | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:27:55(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, my brother died last night." "How many brothers do you have?" he asked. "6," I replied. "Gotcha!" he said. "You've used this excuse 7 times now. How is this possible?" I said, "I used to have 13 brothers!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:29:03(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Yes." I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:32:55(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:33:06(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:34:35(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-02-27 22:34:48(122Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-02 08:48:26(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My friend's wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk and never came back... I asked him how he was coping. He said, "Not bad. I've been using some of that powdered stuff!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-02 08:49:11(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've just bought a house with period features... My wife really hates that nickname! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-02 08:49:56(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Spoke to my mate this morning and he said he'd hired an Eastern European cleaner to vacuum his house. "How did you get on?" I asked. "She took 15 hours!" "Not great then", I replied. "Yeah turns out she was a Slovak!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-03-02 08:50:41(121Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?" She said, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!" | |
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