GodAndUlster        Posted at 2022-01-02 20:07:57(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A woman came up to me in a club and started talking to me. After a while, she saw me looking at a tattoo on her arm which read '1-11-2017'. "Oh, you're looking at my tattoo," she said. "It's my daughter's date of birth." "I thought it was your best before date," I replied.  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-02 20:09:01(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike. I told em it couldn’t be my dog because he doesn’t even have a bike. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-02 20:09:17(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just been to a muslim birthday party... ...musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, "pass the parcel" was quick!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 20:56:14(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was sacked from the ice cream factory... Just because I refused to work on a Sundae! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 20:56:27(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just had a game of pool with an owl. I potted the white ball and said 'two hits'. The owl replied 'two hits to who?' | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 20:57:57(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went round the neighbours last night, had a lovely three course dinner, 4 bottles of vintage red wine and a big fat cigar. They’ll go fucking mad when they get back from Tenerife. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 20:58:11(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I like to scare my wife while she's folding her laundry. Well, Its the only way I can get her to drop her knickers these days. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 21:00:06(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a goldfish, the assistant says " do you want an aquarium? " Bloke says " I don't really care what star sign it is!!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 21:03:10(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 21:03:27(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 21:06:51(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 21:07:34(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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|  upload | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-03 21:08:11(143Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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|  upload images | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:40:22(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:43:20(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| 2 priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees 3 nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks , The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the 2nd bar of soap. Now the 3rd nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:43:34(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. At the unemployment office,Paddy was asked his occupation,’Panty stitcher…I stitch de elastic in ladies panties,’he replied. Being unskilled labour,Paddy was given 100 euros a week. When Mick was asked the same question,he replied ‘diesel fitter’, and since this is skilled work he was given 200 euros a week. When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why Mick was getting more cash. The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work,whereas diesel fitting was skilled work. ‘What fecking skill???’ yelled Paddy… I sew the elastic on the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says, ‘Yep diesel fitter.’ | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:45:21(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night. The wife said, “You've never held the door open for me.” I said, “What about the fucking time you threatened to leave?” | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:45:35(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My nephew fell asleep at a house party. I thought it was funny to shave his eyebrows off But my sister went mad when she looked in his pram. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:46:13(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A police officer called the station on his radio. "I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet." | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:47:39(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife asked me to go out and get her something to make her look beautiful, So I went out and got a bottle of vodka and a case of Stella!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-04 22:47:52(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just been told my son has swallowed his phone and it's got stuck in his throat... I'm gonna ring his neck! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-05 20:28:09(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test. “Here is your first question,” the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine.” “Without numbers?” Paddy says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks. “Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine,” says Paddy. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back. The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree. That makes 99.” “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” Paddy stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back. The boss looks at Paddy’s picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “a little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100!” | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-05 20:28:34(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test. “Here is your first question,” the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine.” “Without numbers?” Paddy says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks. “Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine,” says Paddy. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back. The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree. That makes 99.” “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” Paddy stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back. The boss looks at Paddy’s picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “a little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100!” | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-05 20:30:08(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing,he politely asked, ‘What are you up to there, Nancy?’ ‘My goldfish died,’ replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, ‘ and I’ve just buried him.’ The neighbour was concerned, ‘ That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?’ Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, ‘ That’s because he’s inside your fuckin' cat.’ | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2022-01-05 20:34:35(142Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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