GodAndUlster        Posted at 2021-12-06 23:12:41(147Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner to me... Sitting at the table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore!  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-06 23:12:57(147Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-06 23:13:49(147Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| CREATING A PASSWORD cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiledcabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that password is already in use !!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-07 19:57:48(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went on a bender last night and finished up in A&E with stomach pains. “You’re going to have to stop masturbating” said the attractive female Doctor. “ Why is that ?“ I said. “Because I need to examine you “ she said !!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-07 19:58:27(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia it was music to my arse | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-07 19:59:15(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| FUMING IS A UNDERSTATEMENT!!!! For Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.🎄 | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-07 19:59:52(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Still can't believe my mate died last week, he overdosed on Viagra, His wife took it very hard | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-07 20:00:49(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A friend of mine just told me that she's got swelling on her arse, legs and boobs. I thought..whoa...too much inflammation! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-07 20:02:12(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-09 23:32:02(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates. He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" - his fellow workmates just cheered. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-09 23:32:14(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to a Chinese restaurant last night. I said "Waiter, this beef is rubbery" He said "Thank you, I'm grad you rike it" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-09 23:32:52(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job. I really do hope it's me this year. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-09 23:33:53(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-09 23:34:06(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| We always called my grandad "spiderman " not because he had special powers, it was because he couldn't get out of the bath!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-11 21:40:42(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I went to a Chinese restaurant last night. I said "Waiter, this beef is rubbery" He said "Thank you, I'm grad you rike it" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-11 21:42:43(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I'll never forget the day my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real. I was totally heartbroken... I'm not sure how I managed to go into work that day... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-13 22:49:25(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Does Santa really live in the north pole? Lets look at the evidence. 1. Wears red and white 2. Good at breaking into houses 3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace 4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle 5. Only does one days work a year Lapland my arse! Hes a fucking scouser | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-13 22:51:07(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My missus had just got the chicken out of the oven and started carving it. 'Would you like some wings?' She asked. 'Yes please.' I said. So she started singing 'Band on the Run'. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-13 22:57:13(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-13 22:57:43(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-13 22:58:07(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-13 22:59:00(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-14 11:08:17(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!" The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?" Sticking out his chest, the boy says, "Who farted.... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-14 11:08:31(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason... | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-12-14 11:09:49(146Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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