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GodAndUlster        Posted at 2021-08-24 21:22:19(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A farmer had a bull that wasn`t performing very well so he called the vet. The vet shoved a large tablet down the bull`s throat and about an hour later the bull was humping all the cows in the field.. The farmer was amazed .. he said I have a date tonight and do you think it would work for me? The vet said well these pills are very strong but if I chip a small bit off this pill and you take it about an hour before your date that should be alright.... The next morning the vet saw the farmer with his arm in a sling... what happened he asked .. The farmer replied …. She didn`t turn up.  | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-24 21:22:44(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-25 22:28:42(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Just deleted all the German numbers from my phone! Now it's Hans free | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-25 22:28:52(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| What's the difference between a HIPPO and a ZIPPO? one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-26 20:29:14(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I got my wife a big black vibrating dildo for her birthday. She just glared at me and said, "Is this a fucking windup ?" "No, if you look closely it's battery powered you fucking idiot!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-26 20:30:22(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-26 20:34:00(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures… One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other. “Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman. Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.” So they wiggled up close to each other. “Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer. Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY" ? “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!” With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US" !!! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-26 20:35:31(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:06:34(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £300 Then he gets the full house and wins £5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £750,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest person on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'. ‘Well, I’ll be buggered,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well.. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:06:47(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was in the queue in the supermarket earlier and the old lady in front of me had a heart attack and died. As if that wasn't funny enough, she'd just bought a bag for life! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:07:49(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| he guy across the road told me he's sad because he just found out his wife has been fucking Dave the postman. "What? The fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" I asked. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:08:02(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress .... I thought it was Fred Flintstone. | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:09:13(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I was playing Scrabble with some friends when one of them said "Why don't we make this more interesting?" So we packed it up and put it away! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:09:28(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The fucking plug hole is blocked again!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:10:15(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Got home from the pub at 4 o'clock this morning and the missus was waiting at the front door with a rolling pin... I said, "What the fuck are you doing baking at this hour?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:10:27(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| Bought myself a top of the range stereo made out of cake... It's a gateau blaster! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:11:26(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?" I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream." She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?" I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:11:39(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs shagging, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex' I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works we then walked past a sheep field and the ram was shagging the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex. I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready' we then went past a cow field and the bull was shagging the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull cant smell when she is ready, i said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex. anyway after the walk i dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but i hope your fucking cold gets better' | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:13:21(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room | |
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| Post liked by - eyez | ||
| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:13:33(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| For our honeymoon I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands... I'm happy to announce in September we're going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board! | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-28 21:14:23(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics. Do you know what the bastards have given me for breakfast? "Cheerios!" | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-29 10:21:07(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-29 10:21:50(149Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-29 20:11:47(148Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs shagging, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex' I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works we then walked past a sheep field and the ram was shagging the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex. I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready' we then went past a cow field and the bull was shagging the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull cant smell when she is ready, i said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex. anyway after the walk i dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but i hope your fucking cold gets better' | |
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| GodAndUlsterPosted at 2021-08-31 00:07:08(148Wks ago) Report Permalink URL | ||
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| An Old Man is thrown out of a bar. A young man who was walking down the street says “Hey Old Timer, what happened in there?” The old man looks at him and says “Well son, I am Jesus Christ.” “Jesus Christ?” the young man replied skeptically. “Yes my son, follow me”, the old man said as he walked into the bar. As he enters, the bartender turns around and says “Jesus Christ! not you again" !! | |
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